I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
