Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
