im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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