i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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