Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
