i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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