dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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