I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
