I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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