I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize