if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
