No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
