Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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