Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
