Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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