if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
