Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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