Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
