And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
