Just fell off a train. Bad.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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