God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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