On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i think i have two assholes
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
They took my balls.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't put those talents on a resume
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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