the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You ruined the universe
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
