I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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