Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
