Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
