From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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