if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize