I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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