Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize