Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
