dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
