I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize