if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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