im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
