Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
