can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
