i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's great music for shaving your balls
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize