8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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