I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Operation Purity has been aborted
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
