plz talk dirty to me
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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