Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What did we do last night that was yellow?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
