Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
