apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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