I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Everyone says I win the strip club
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
