If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
