Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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