John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
