ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
