Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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