I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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