tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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