last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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