I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
