i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize