I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
