the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
