good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize