just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just threw up on my dentist
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
