i jhust puked up my retainher.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
