Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
