if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
