It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
