I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
