i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
