Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
