Already got asked if we're dating
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
